


Red Ink

by idontwritebutitry



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Headaches & Migraines, Hurt/Comfort, Migraine, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Shredder is mentioned, and hes really not having a good time, donnie is not neurotypical, lmk if i should tag this as anything else, uhh i don't know what else to tag this as?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26787217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idontwritebutitry/pseuds/idontwritebutitry
Summary: Donatello has a night terror and gets a panic attack migraine. It's a rough night.Leonardo thinks it's suspicious that his twin was sleeping against a chair.They talk.
Relationships: Donatello & Leonardo (TMNT)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 133





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> I want to start by mentioned that this work does contain a description of a panic attack! So keep yourselves safe, please.
> 
> this is also my first time writing any type of fanfiction, so like.. i hope its okay. i don't write at ALL but this was a product of me getting a migraine and making notes to vent my frustration. kind of based on my own experiences? I'm good dont worry but man panic attacks and migraines are a horrible sensation. i also did not read over this at all. i wrote it in 3 hours and now im uploading it so im 90% sure there's a few mistakes in there.  
> also my first attempt at that weird half third person limited view from a character. i'm usually really objective and descriptive, but i thought it might be good for me to try this. i don't think it's great? but honestly who really cares lmao
> 
> the notes, if anyone is interested: "migraine, bursts of pain like paint splattered across mikey’s wall, done in such a way that the bright colors and spikes of hurt are most effective. sounds of leo’s swords missing, going down, metal scratching and screeching on concrete, and panic. the loud noises of new york like mutants, enemies, coming closer, louder, more dangerous, sounds like those damn mystic spells trying to kill him."

His head hurt.

Well.. “hurt” was a strong word, it wasn’t like he had a migraine. Yet, anyway. It was just a pain across his forehead and temples, moving back and settling like dust, like mystic shards dissolving into the air, like echoes inside the tunnels, vibrations of clashes and clangs of metal on walls, on wires, on _weapons_ -

No. No, no, no, Donnie was _not_ doing that.

He groaned, sitting up and immediately putting one hand to his forehead. His room laid calmly around him, quiet despite needing some repairs; he had made sure of that when he woke up heaving, struggling for breath, moving his bare shell against anything close and reaching for tech long gone. The wall was cold and uncaring as he almost hyperventilated, trying to remember _anything_ about what caused this reaction and only receiving blind terror in return. It took him.. 15? 20? some amount of minutes to get his breathing relatively under control and another few to realize what had happened. 

A night terror. Another night terror, actually. His brothers have nightmares (he knows this, recognizes the flash of panic when he finds them wandering at night, though he never pushed them to talk), but he’s different. Of course Donnie is different, it’s always been like that- even with his stupid night terrors. 

His eyes move up, catching on the ceiling. There are white particles dancing across his vision, fleeing to the edges of his sight and mocking his attempts to focus on them. Eventually he gives up, laying back down.

His head still hurts, and there’s a whirring noise in the background. His technology was humming a constant sound and it’s so familiar and comforting and so, _so annoying_. It sounds like home, but home was destroyed and rebuilt, dragging the remnants of a battle nobody talks about but everybody remembers to the side and doing their best to move on. It’s not working, God, it’s not working, and he can’t stand that continuous sound, like whatever was holding Shredder together as they tried and tried and _tried_ -

A bright burst of pain in the side of his head made him gasp and he bolted upright, clutching his head again. He had to get out, he _had_ to get out, it was too much, overwhelming, and he just- 

He feels his feet hit the ground and suddenly he’s walking, nearly tumbling, looking for somewhere, _anywhere_ he can sit down and just _breathe_. That battle was over, it was over, he couldn’t _do_ anything to change it and he knew that, but fire still lined his chest and that inconvenient headache began to get much worse.

Donnie eventually stopped, though, in a room darker than the others and moved beside the single chair. No one was there and he realized how absolutely thankful he was. He sat down against the arm of the chair and, while it wasn’t extremely comfortable, all he could see was black and that helped bring down the sensation of pulsing, of thudding, of slamming again and again and again. His hands came up to his chest and he was breathing heavily again, sharp inhales and choked exhales that made even the darkness look blurry.

He wished he had nightmares. He wished he had nightmares because if he knew the problem he could fix it, right? That’s what Donnie did, that’s what he was good for- creating convoluted, technological solutions that sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t work and did almost _nothing_ while his brothers were almost being murdered. And if he knew what was causing him to wake up choking and sobbing at 3 am, he could find _something_ to fix it.

But instead of, you know, being like _everyone else_ , he had flashes of pure panic, the urge to run and claw and hide and _cry_ because this was it, he was going to die, and he couldn’t even remember if his brothers were okay.

A line of pain bloomed in his head and it was almost like he could visualize it, that red ink creeping across, bleeding agony along the right part of his skull. He wanted it to _stop_ , the _pain_ and the _panic_ and the burning in his eyes. All he could think about was that this was wrong, it was wrong but memories of the team failing ran through his mind, the sensations overwhelming and _real_. A sound distantly registered, a _crack_ that sounded like stone crumbling under weight and all he could do was curl smaller.

He was going to die. He was going to _die_. 

_He was going to die._

The realization hit him hard, and he couldn’t even find out if he was breathing or not because that pain spiked, bursts of pain beneath the skin like paint across mikey’s walls and portals scattered in vain attempts to escape and mystic energy moving, forming, _growing_. 

It was all he could focus on.

\---

Donnie didn’t wake with a start. He didn’t wake with terror gripping him like.. well, every enemy ever. He woke up with a finger prodding his cheek and Leo’s voice, slightly distant as he slowly opened his eyes.

“Donnie. Donnie. Don-nie, are you dead?”

It took him a few moments to register what Leo had said, but when it did his eyes flew open and he tensed hard. He didn’t mean to, but it caused his brother to pull back, joking expression changing to confused and finally concerned. _Fuck_.

He had looked down but, man, he could feel Leo’s eyes boring into him. “Dude, are you okay? I was messing around, I didn’t mean to scare you like that.”

His chest ached and his throat was raw, but there was no way he was going to tell Leo what had happened the night before. He couldn’t, didn’t know _how_. He opened his mouth to respond, but only was able to reply with a rasped “I..”

A few seconds passed, and when Donnie glanced up, the blatant worry was enough to kickstart his excuse. He cleared his throat. “.. of course I am, just wanted a change of scenery.” He brought his head up and hoped that his expression didn’t look as terrified as he felt. “You know, dear brother, being on your phone in the same place _does_ get old.” 

Leo’s expression didn’t look worried anymore, changing to confusion instead. “So.. you were on your phone.. on the floor, leaning against the chair?” He raised an eyebrow, looking over the scene again.

“Ah, brother,” Donnie said, beginning to stand up. “There are many ways to sit in a chair. Or sit using a chair.” He looked over, feigning his “you know I’m right” grin. “You just have to be creative. And a genius, like _moi_.”

He crossed his arm, watching Leo shake his head and raise as well. “You know, I’m pretty sure Mikey did that first. I guess you’re having your genius card revoked.”

Even standing with his arms crossed, Donnie’s hands and jaw were clenched hard. He wanted to leave before more questions were asked. “Scoff. I guess I better go retrieve it from my room, then.” He said dramatically, moving a little too quickly around Leo. “Actually, I’ll give it to him tomorrow! It’s too early anyway, I’m going back to bed.”

Leo turned with him and took a step forward. “Wait, Donnie-”

“Bye!”

The door shut behind his brother, and Leo faintly heard the footsteps move down the hallway. He sighed, turning back to where he’d found Donnie passed out, legs up to his chest and head leaning on the arm of the chair. It was weird, for sure. Usually, Donnie was in the chair watching tv regardless of the hour, but the tv was off along with the lights and there was no blanket in sight.

He only went looking for his twin because he wasn’t in his room. Leo had a routine: Wake up, check to make sure everybody was good, and then start his day. Except one of them was _not_ good, a blanket thrown on the floor and a phone on charge nearby with no sign of the owner.

Donnie was lying about being on his phone, and both of them knew it.

Leo sighed again, this one more heavy, and sat back in the tv chair. He knows Donnie doesn’t like to talk, but he was worried. Really worried, especially considering that Donnie never leaves his phone behind. Even on missions, he still somehow finds time to grab it. He doesn’t know what would make his brother leave it behind, fall asleep against a chair and then try to lie about it.

After a moment, he glanced at the door. Donnie wouldn’t let him in unless he wanted to, so Leo couldn’t go ask him right now. And, after how quickly he ran off, Leo wanted to give him some space.

Whatever happened, he’d find out. But for now, Donnie deserved some sleep. He looked exhausted.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> firstly, i cant believe i wrote 967 words as exposition for this chapter. mentally kicking myself for that, this took me 3 and a half hours overall. part of me wanted to break it into 2 chapters, but like.. i know why yall are here. you want the hurt/comfort. im calling you out.
> 
> secondly, in my tiny rottmnt university donnie is the second youngest sibling. i know he's technically older than leo in canon but he emits petty younger twin energy and you can take that hc from my cold, dead hands.
> 
> third, i realized i had do manually go in and italicize words! i went back and fixed the first chapter.
> 
> as always, i hope you enjoy! i did not read this over at all and i just finished, so theres probably mistakes somewhere. it just takes me a day to even entertain reading my own work. which, on that topic, i think i did okay for the first chapter! i read it over and i like it. so hopefully this is a decent ending.

Donnie didn’t come down for breakfast that morning, and Leo didn’t blame him.

Of course, Raph and Mikey were a bit less understanding, joking about how Donnie probably found another video game to keep him up all night. He definitely has done it before, so Leo laughed along with them, taking his twin’s portion of pancakes and doing his best to shift the topic away from him. His brothers hadn’t seen him, heard the stress and uncomfortable tone he tried to play off with “dear brother”s and self-confidence. It made his heart hurt, thinking back on it and how quickly Donnie left, but he didn’t hold it against him. So Leo did his best to cover for him, letting their brothers think it was a new video game keeping him up.

Donnie did come down for lunch, though. When he came into the room, he stopped in the doorway and immediately looked to the side; Raph, Mikey, and Leo were already there, chomping on leftover pizza and discussing something _very_ important.

It was Mikey who noticed him first, grinning excitedly as he pushed the pizza box aside. “Donnie! Good morning, sunshine,” he called across the room, leaning dangerously close to the edge of his seat. “We’re doing a skating competition after lunch! You in?”

When Leo glanced over, he could see Donnie quickly avert his gaze, hurrying around the table to make some coffee. “No can do, Mikey. I’m working on something new for my battleshell, and it requires my devoted attention. I’ll be in the lab all day”

The three stared at Donnie as he fumbled with the coffee grounds and quietly counted the spoonfuls. Eventually he noticed, though, turning to face them when he finished pouring the water. Leo noticed a slight hesitation, a look of worry as he glanced over his brothers. It was quickly replaced by that Donnie look, the “emotionless badboy” facade he played. “Oh, are you guys waiting for me to talk about it?” His eyes closed and he dramatically rested one hand on his heart. “My family, finally taking an interest in my passion! Well-”

Raph groaned as Donnie went into a monologue, almost completely ignoring his brothers to purposefully discuss something none of them really know anything about. Leo watched him, motions accenting his passionate description, and acted like he was listening. He was relieved that Donnie had come out at all, firstly; his brother sometimes had a tendency to stay in his lab for a day or two when he didn’t want to confront something (or someone). By the way that he actively avoided Leo’s gaze, there was no doubt he didn’t want to be around him.

It hurt a little, if he was being honest. They were brothers, after all, _twins_ \- Leo was there for Donnie, but apparently he didn’t trust him. And that hurt.

He quietly sighed, setting down his piece of pizza. No, that wasn’t fair. If Donnie had found him when he first started having nightmares, Leo would have rejected help too. It’s.. scary, talking about it, acknowledging it, and trusting someone to not think any differently of you afterwards. He had to be patient, especially knowing how Donnie practically flees from any emotional talk. Leo never understood his twin’s fixation on logic over emotion, but he wasn’t going to throw him into the deep end over it.

When he looked up again, Donnie had just finished his monologue- and, coincidentally, his coffee. “If you need me, I’ll be in my lab.” He turned, grabbed a slice of pizza, and walked towards the door. He stopped only for a second to look back at them. “But if you need me, talk to Shelldon.”

And with that, Donnie was gone for the next 8 hours.

Mikey was disappointed, but it quickly was replaced by the excitement of their competition. Well, it was a competition for all of 20 minutes, until Raph and Mikey agreed to team up on Leo. From there, it went to skateboard tricks to sparring practice to Mikey trying his best to wrestle Raph. Leo laughed so hard he almost came to tears as their youngest brother tried their best to bring him down, yelling “It’s _on_ , baby!” whenever Raph worriedly moved him from the spikes of his shell. Sitting back and watching their oldest brother do his best not to hurt the dead-set box turtle, Leo turned to crack a joke- and realized that Donnie was, in fact, not there.

Right. He’s in the lab.

He was still in the lab when dinner rolled around, and Raph offered to go get Donnie because he had to eat, right? He’d been in there all day, running on a cup of coffee and a slice of leftover pizza.

Leo managed to convince him to leave Donnie some, so he could grab some when he came down.

After dinner, when Mikey had gone to his room with Raph to start painting portraits, Leo knew he made the right choice. He was sitting in a chair at the table, sipping tea from a mug, when he noticed Donnie sneak in out of the corner of his eye. 

He only spoke up when his brother picked up the pizza box. “Your invention going well?”

Donatello froze, glancing back over to him. He could see his twin looking past him, hesitating, looking for a way out of this conversation. Another pang of hurt in his chest, but Leo kept a straight face. “Yeah. It’s going great.”

There was another awkward quiet, and Leo took another sip from the mug. “I told Raph and Mikey to save you extra. You..” He glanced over, and sat back in his seat again. “You should eat.”

Silence.

“..Yeah. I will.”

Leo finished the tea as Donnie hurried out, visibly relieved.

\---

The ceiling was beautiful, really. Smooth and sleek, no ridges or flaws, something that does it work quietly and effectively.

And it was pretty good company.

It wasn’t the ceiling he was used to- he couldn’t stand the humming in his own room- so he took his pillows and blanket to stay in the tv room again. It was quiet, with the lights off and everyone else asleep.

Everyone except Leo, apparently, because as he laid on his back, staring at the darkness above him, he heard the door creak open and saw the blue silhouette.

 _Damnit_ , this was it, the conversation he had been dreading and avoiding all day. He’d only gone to lunch so Mikey and Raph wouldn’t be worried, too, because maybe he could play off only one brother asking questions. Maybe he could act like he was asleep. Maybe-

“Donnie.”

He opened his eyes, watching Leo cross the room and sit down beside him. There’s nervousness bubbling in his chest as he sits up, stretching, and looks over. “Were you coming in to watch tv? Sorry, room’s taken.”

He could see Leo’s expression soften slightly, illuminated by the light under the door. “Donnie.”

Great. _Great_. Leo wants to know what happened, why he was sleeping against a chair, why he lied about having the phone, why he couldn’t be like the rest of them-

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

Donnie was.. a little taken aback. He was expecting a question, some sort of prodding, not.. _that_.

“Of course, how else would we be communicating right now?” He hoped the darkness would mask how strained his cheeky smile was.

He could hear Leo sigh, something more stressed than his usual comedic ones. There was no reply for a while, each staring back to their own corner of the darkness. It wasn’t comfortable, but it wasn’t terrible, either. As much as Donnie wouldn’t admit it, he enjoyed the company. He helped him not overthink, something the ceiling loved to encourage.

As Donnie settled back down on his pillow, his twin finally spoke up again. “Was it a nightmare?”

There it was. The question. ‘Was it a nightmare?’ If only. No, it wasn’t a nightmare, it was something worse, something he didn’t know how to deal with. Something he couldn’t just _fix_ , unless he didn’t want to sleep. And, God, he’s tried that. It doesn’t work as well as one might expect.

He saw movement, of Leo glancing down at him when a few seconds of silence passed. Donnie grabbed the blanket and waited for the question to be asked again, louder, more insistent, but Leo only looked forward again and pulled his knees up.

“I know you don’t like to talk about these kinds of things, but I have them too.” There was a dry laugh. “For a while, actually, and I.. Donnie, you’re my brother. You’re my _twin_. I want to be there for you, you know?” There’s a slight bump at his shoulder and he can see Leo’s expression, a smile grazing his face but with sad eyes.

He opens his mouth to respond, to give a quip, a word of comfort, _anything_ , but still says nothing. Donatello doesn’t know _what_ to say or how he should go about even trying. He doesn’t want to talk about it because, in the nights alone afterwards, he realized admitting it made it so much more real. It’s a confession that it _does_ affect him, and he doesn’t want his brothers to see that. He wants to fix it himself.

Leo seems to notice this hesitation, because he gently pulls one of Donnie’s pillows away and lays down himself, setting his hands underneath his head. “Mine are.. confusing, and overwhelming.” He admits, staring at the stone sky. “It’s hard to remember them exactly, but there’s a theme. Falling is a big one. Falling off a building, falling through portals, just falling into the ground..” There’s a pause.

“It makes me feel helpless. I hate it. There’s always a bigger event going on, a battle or something, and I can’t do anything because I’m stuck falling. But.. I can still see what’s happening, and I think that’s the worst part. Being in your own life threatening situation and all you can think about is how useless you are in the grand scheme of things.” His voice wavered at the last sentence, followed by a deep inhale and a slow exhale.

Donnie didn’t know what to say. 

He continued, though a bit more quietly. “It’s.. hard. It’s really hard. But I remember that I’m not alone; I have you guys, and it helps. It.. helps a lot.”

The quiet was deafening, but Leo seemed content to wait until Donnie was ready to talk. He was.. uncomfortable wasn’t the right word. Out of his element? He wasn’t _emotional_ , like his brothers. He didn’t know how to talk about what kept him up at night and had him dreading sleep.

But he had an example, now. “I don’t have nightmares.”

He heard Leo’s head shift to look over at him. “You don’t have to-”

“No, Leo, I mean I don’t have _nightmares_. I.. I have night terrors. I don’t remember anything, I just wake up terrified.”

Another pause, and Donnie hears his brother look back up at the ceiling, away from him. And he’s glad, because the thoughts at the back of his mind are already giving him a thousand reasons why this was a _bad idea_ , why Leo will never treat him the same, and-

“What scares you?”

Something clicked in his mind, like a lever turned on, giving him permission to talk about everything he had been mulling over for _months_. “Everything. It’s like I can’t walk around without remembering how Shredder almost _killed us_. That happened _here_ , Leo, in our _own home_. And I know it’s over, I _know_ it's over, but it still.. I’m scared that it’s happening again and again and _again_ -”

“Donnie.” There’s a hand on his shoulder as he sits up

“-and I know it’s _stupid_. It’s over, but when I wake up I forget that, and it’s overwhelming and I can’t remember where you or Mikey or Raph are. I feel _useless_. I mean, I’m the tech guy, right?” He barks a laugh, and Leo is sitting up. He looks blurry. “I fix things. I fix tvs before Dad finds out and fix problems for missions. If you need something done, I’m your guy! Just give me a problem, and I can do it.” He squeezes his eyes shut, and buries his face into his hands. He knows his voice is faint, but he doesn’t care. 

“But I don’t remember anything. I don’t know what the problem is. How can I fix it if I don’t even know what _it_ is?” 

The hand recedes from his shoulder, moving to his other and pulling him in. Donnie doesn’t fight it, leaning his head on Leo’s shoulder as he furiously rubs his eyes. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the solution is. And I _always_ do. If I don’t, what's the point? I’m not like you guys, it’s all I’m good for.”

He can feel the hand rubbing his arm, and Leo speaks up again. “Donnie. _Donnie_ , listen to me. You’re more than your technology. It’s great and all, but you know that’s not why you’re here, right? You’re our brother, _Donatello_ ,” Leo’s free arm motions outward in the darkness, despite his twin not bothering to look up. “The snarky, smart, confident younger-middle child of the Mad Dogs! The smart one, yeah, but you also look out for all of us in your own way.” His arm lowers again. “You’re caring, even if you try to hide it, and passionate, and eager to do whatever you put your mind to. We all admire it, you know?”

Donnie takes a short inhale, trying to stop the tears overwhelming him. He definitely didn’t think of himself that way- even if he acted so confident in an attempt to do so- but the validation helped. He realized something and tried to laugh, though it came out raspy instead. He craved validation, for someone to tell him that his problems and worries and anxieties were real and he was _good enough_. 

He also realized Splinter rarely did that, and those tears swelled up even more.

“So what do I do?” He asked quietly, dropping his arms in favor of wrapping them around his knees. “How do I fix it?”

He could feel Leo wrapping the blanket around him, using the time to think of an answer. The warmth of the blanket did nothing to stop his shivers, but he took it anyway. Silence fell over them for a few moments, besides Donnie’s quiet sobs, and Leo eventually gave a slight sigh. “I don’t know, Donnie.”

There was hesitation before he continued. “I.. don’t think there _is_ a fix, not like fixing your battleshell. I don’t know a lot about this.. kind of stuff, but..” He stopped to look over at his twin, who usually tries to be so cocky and emotionless, broken by something all of them share. “.. I think it takes time. And patience. And.. family, to be there.”

He pulled Leo in a bit closer. “There might not be a fix, but it will get better. And we’re all here for you, Donnie. You’re not alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this! its my first fic so it was kinda weird to write but i was more confident with the second chapter. hopefully itll be easier in the future!
> 
> also, if you have a prompt or idea you want me to write drop a comment. ig i mainly do angst and hurt/comfort but i might try other things? idk

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this was okay! not gonna lie im sure its kinda weird? but w/e lets see if i actually finish that second chapter


End file.
